House Arrest
by Carol And Nella
Summary: A new House Arrest Policy is tested on the Joker; in order to stablize good communication, Batman brings the Joker to the cave. * WARNING: RATED T FOR HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR IN LATER CHAPTERS * You have been warned! Also, this is my first batman/joker fanfiction, sooo It might not be as awesome as to what your used to. Subject to change.
1. Umbrella Of Doom

When the blood rushes to your head, for almost a half hour, from being upside down, suspended by tightly wound chains, 12 feet over a metal rusted vat of the discontinued, experimental liquids Ace Chemicals used to produce, while listening to the blaring roar of a chainsaw somewhere in the background, you may feel dizziness, head aches, back aches, and you may also see dancing, transparent scatterings of white and neon green dots at the edges of your vision.

This is a fact, because Batman was experiencing these, among other symptoms, while he eyed the Joker with undisguised distrust and disappointment, while the infuriating moron swaggered around on the metal mesh catwalks, twirling his umbrella of doom around like a baton. "I bet it stinks to be you right about now!" The Joker sneered loudly over the noise of the chainsaw, his scathing voice adding that much more irritation to Batman's migraine. "In about an hour, the chains will be sawed right through by _**that**_," Joker pointed up where the iron and steel necks of cranes and other machines were, and where a chainsaw contraption was slowly making it's way down to ward a knotted mess of chains, "Badboy up there, and you will either _**escape**_, like you always blasted do, or, more sastisfyingly, you will plummet to your wonderful _**doom**_!" Joker giggled happily at the suggestion, "You'll squirm and wither in a burning cold ocean of DOOM! AHEE, ahoo, hahaha!" The Joker danced around in an excited little circle, "And all I had to do to lure you down here, was to send Gus over to your little _**doofus**_ with a video cassette of me, pretending to murder a green screen image."

The Joker giggled and snorted in delight, smiling up smugly at Batman. Gawd he was so annoying. "With you out of the way, or at least here, suffering the last moments of your pending _**doom,**_" The Joker put emphasis on the word 'doom,' "I can go on a little fun shopping spree in Gotham," He curled his dried lips in a snarling grin, and sauntered over to the edge of the catwalk, leaning over the iron railing to grab Batman's chin. "I promise to bring you back a little something after I'm done, Bats Baby."

"You won't get away with this Joker," Batman growled, feeling a thrill of unease as the Joker slipped his fingers down to wrap alarmingly around his throat. "Blah blah blah, _**Doom**_ says otherwise, geez you're so dense Batman," The Joker scoffed; Bruce thought fleetingly that Joker changed his mind, and decided to choke him to death, but his airflow never wavered from Joker's grip. In fact, the Joker was reaching underneath the seam of the cowl to snake ice cold fingers around the skin beneath Bruce's earlobe, curiously... The communication device! No!"When I get out of here," Batman warned threateningly, but before he could say anything more, the Joker had found the tiny piece of equipment, and snatched it out with a nod of approval, "Harley was right, there are too many people talking in your head while you're trying to think." He took a few steps back, eyeing the device with interest, "I'll cure that for you!"

The Joker grinned, his giggles of pleasure escalating into loud goading cackles as he turned away, walking down the catwalk to the exit of the huge steel warehouse. Batman instantly went to work, heaving himself up to fall back down again, jarring his shoulder out from the tangle of metal links. Okay, one arm out, now for the other one. The loud, high-pitched moan of the chainsaw above screeched in the humid, musty air, then suddenly bucked, whirring into a brief skidding racket, causing the chain to bounce Batman around alarmingly above the vat of poisoness goo below. Batman ignored his other arm, using his free one to grab the rest of chain higher up it's length, pulling himself upwards and grabbing a hold of the crane that it was knotted to in several messy rounds. The grating noise of steel on iron arguing with each other screamed in the warehouse, until the chain around Batman was finally slackened to uselessness, falling away to the boiling chemicals below. Bruce climbed up onto the crane, crawling to the machine and punching the motor out, silencing it's racket.

The quiet murmuring of the structure settling and the burners heating chemical stews was all that was left to listen too. Batman stood, heavy boots making the crane sway in protest; his heart sank at what ever catastrophe the Joker must have created in the time it took to escape, and he had wasted enough time already. Batman flared his cape and glided down to safety, soaring to the ground floor and dashing out the exit. The sooner that walking hazard was out of the streets and back under arrest, the better.


	2. Hello floor

"You were right Harley," The Joker praised his girl who sat languidly next to him in their big, gaudy green and purple van. "I found the thingy right where you said it would be, right behind his huge dumbo ear." He steered lazily around the swerving and honking traffic, casting long interested glances at the small communicating device. Over the forty-five minutes of stealing the little treasure, it had buzzed several dozen times already, man that Bird-Guy must be clingy. "Can I answerz it now, Mistah J?" Harley asked, sitting up and leaning forward. She was in a suffocating tight, red and purple corset, with leather pants and knee high wedge boots of doom, her bright blonde hair tied in pony tails. The Joker careened in a turn, parking crookedly with a screech. "Go ahead pudd'n," Joker cooed, kicking open his car door and sauntering out with out closing it. He straightened out his pinstriped green button up shirt, and adjusted his purple waist-coat vest, "I'm so good looking." Joker couldn't help but murmur.  
"Hi-ya, what's you said you're name was again? Ahfred? Who the heck are you supposed to be? B-Man's grandpa?" Harley was chattering in the background to who ever was on the other end of the communication device.

The Joker was standing in the parking lot of some overly fancy shmancy bank building, and drawing in a rattling breath, he could almost swear the air was polluted with the rank stench of money, bad insurance, jewelry and rich people. "My favorite breakfast." Joker said, delirious with giggles bursting from his lungs. It's so fun when you know you're winning. Joker strutted up to the front door, a wide smile spreading across his face as he drew a canister of DOOM from inside his vest, and sauntered inside the bank. Shrieks of alarm and gasps of dread escalated up to a crescendo of panic, and the Joker inhaled deeply in delight.

"Hello, Wells Fargo nimrods!" Joker greeted loudly, pointing the canister up and spraying a harsh smelling cloud of mist in the air. Green shmog sank through out the bank, and people began coughing and hacking, delirious giggles mingling with the shouts of fear, drowning out their dreadful yells of help in a mirthful, side-busting chorus of laughter. "That's more like it." Joker asserted, nodding to himself as he swaggered toward one of the tellers. Withering bodies of men and women in formal wear wriggled about the floor, laughing so hard that tears streamed from their eyes, and Joker stepped over a few as he made his way to the teller behind the glass. She had a handkerchief over her mouth, and she was pressing a button underneath the counter frantically, her composure slowly faltering.  
The Joker was only a few steps away, when the doors burst open, and Joker whipped around, his short spurt of glee vanishing. "Oh, you're not dead." Joker muttered crossly, as the light outside the doors was blocked by Batman's fat hips. "How dare you doubt the sheer awesome of DOOM." Joker enthused dramatically, walking a few paces to close the gap to the counter, and scrambling up onto it.

Batman was a dark outline of shadow, a gas mask snugly wrapped around his flabby face. He shifted his weight, his eyes never leaving the Joker as he stared him down. Joker didn't want to know how the garbonzo beans Batman escaped his trap, Batman was like a rack'n frack'n ninja doofus, who didn't play fair.  
"Joker," Batman said steadily, slowly making his way closer. He was walking around the bank lobby in a wide circle, the sounds of chaotic laughter still clogged in the air. "HARLEY," Joker yelled loudly, "HARLEY, HARLEY, HARLEY HARLEY HARLEY," Joker shouted frantically, trying to see past the crowds of hysteric people. "Harley I need back up Harley" Joker waved his arms up, looking as if he was attempting flight, but Batman had nimbly leapt over one of the lobby seating's, and was less then several meters away. "She's already under arrest." Batman said quietly, his dark eyes calm.  
"Oh fudge-nuggets." Joker relaxed, lounging on the glass window of the teller counter box thingy. "SO how was your day?"

Joker squealed in mirth, dodging as Batman hurled himself at the villain, knocking over several ornaments on the counter, and taking down a rope and poll barrier used to keep lines in check. Joker tumbled forward a few paces, and tried to scramble up to his feet, but felt panic and frustration surge up in his chest as the strong grip of Batman's hands clamped around his wrists, wrenching them behind his back. Joker yanked hard to the left, taking Batman with him a few steps, but the block-headed wardrobe counter acted Joker's own strength, and shoved him downward onto the rug. "Hello floor," Joker greeted in a muffled tone. Batman made a groaning mumble of annoyance, and the sounds of sirens rose outside.


	3. Joker is bored

Joker sat mutanously at the table, scowling at his reflection in the glass wall of the interrogation room. Batman watched him from the other side of the glass, discontent and suspicious. Harley had cussed her head off all the way to the police car, and had still continued her assault of foul language all the way to her holding cell, where she waited as of now. Joker had done a different approach, sneering and complaining wryly, and making suggestive comments about this and that. Now though, with no where to go, no one to bother, alone in a starkly lit room, the Joker appeared to be painfully bored, glaring at the cheap folding table accusingly. Even though Batman had Joker and Harley Quin both behind bars, Bruce felt a strange sensation of foreboding, a tingle up his back that nagged at his brain. "Even if we send him to prison, he'll only escape again," He growled, half to himself, "This isn't working, we need a new procedure."

* * *

**_Carol:_**  
WRITER'S BLOCK SUUUUUUUUCKS. So to clear up the plot completely, basically Joker is out and about, captures Batman, Batman escapes, arrests the Joker, and soon in this chapter, someone suggests that Joker gets house arrest under the supervision of Batman in his Batcave, and so that's what they do, and after they hang out for a while, they end up kissing in the last chapter called Kiss. Dunno where the snarf it will go on from there though. Thanks for reviews and views by the way. :)


	4. Kiss

_"I'm going to be honest with you, Jack." The hero murmured as he slowly strided closer, "I care." The words felt like torpedoes of ice, a fast, unexpected blast that left me cold with surprise. "You're kidding," I protested, but with a sinking feeling in my ribcage, Batman shook his head. The tall, shadowy, wardrobe shaped man was inching his way ever closer as I tried to digest what he was saying. Hands embraced with hard leather slid up my forearms, and the continuous mumbling of Batman's chatter sounded watery and far away, as I blocked it out._

_The light from the Batcave was obscured as Batman leaned closer, still talking about something, but I couldn't really hear a word as I recalled every fight, every battle, and tried to comprehend that every moment spent, Batman had actually cared through each endeavor. My heart skipped in it's rhythm as I remembered each night, coming to the realization that Batman held forbidden feelings for me._

_Why? Fear, disgust, anger, and a many number of other things buzzed in my head like wasps, and I couldn't sort them out for the life of me._

_"There are practices we could try," Batman murmured at one point, trying to make eye contact. "I admit, I have dreamt of a few fantasies."What was the block-head talking about? I frowned, catching his stoic gaze. I felt a twinge of an emotion that had no right to surface, an excitement that I would have died to get rid of._

_"I have kept you under my custody for almost several weeks now, you have improved in mental health in ways I haven't even thought possible." Batman was saying, "I'm surprised, for one, and very proud, you could say."Ew, I made him proud of me._

_Batman leaned closer, his gaze holding mine. "What are you hiding from? It's only us in here, no one will know, if you say anything," The corners of his lips twitched into a smile, "or did anything."_

_Warm, soft breath traced whispers on my face, an enticing lure to the unspeakable activities my nemesis wanted. We have known each other for years, and these ideas never crossed my mind, why were they infiltrating his? Were all these emotions always there, every punch, every strike, every lock up, every escape? A strange, unsettled feeling made my stomach recoil, and I would have given the world away to leave, to reject, to get away from this realization. And yet, I could not bring myself to move, too stunned by the truth that the only reason we still go through this twisted, broken record routine, was because he cared for me._

_It's hard trying to ignore tiny details when you're struck with the possibility of waking up to them, forever, like how long the lashes were, as they brushed against my cheek, or the slightly unshaven chin and lower jaw, as he drew in closer for an embrace. Torn between disgust and something else, something kind, it was hard to react to anything, other then stand there like a door frame, oblivious to whatever he was blabbering about._

_Alarm raced up my spine as thin, slightly chapped lips warmly pressed against my eyebrow, but I remained unwavered, until they trailed down along my cheek bone, and as they made their way to my parted mouth, all sense seemed to dissipate. A tiny little glow of happiness seemed to blossom in my chest as I closed my already half open eyes, my heart pounding in my chest as I inhaled the other's breath. A squirm of what I usually restrained myself to feel for Harley ignited in my insides as the feel of something moist and soft dab gingerly at my lips, and in the comforting haze of the innocent confusion I was feeling, let it intrude past my teeth._

_Ooooh, how intriguing._

_Coffee from this morning met my taste buds, unlike the usual cotton candy or bubblegum that I was so used to, and the sharp tang of long forgotten, metal fillings made my thoughts wander distractedly...How old was Batman when he had cavities of all things? It almost made me want to laugh. Almost, though. I was holding down the yearn to giggle, to say something, anything, for fear of losing this veil of ignorance I was using as a shield. A shield against how undeniably wrong, weird and horrendously __**gross**__ this all was._

_I was stone still, cautiously exploring the kiss, as if the world would explode if I wasn't too careful doing so. Regardless, Batman was being surprisingly curious, inching away every now and then only to inhale a ragged breath, as if to re-concentrate. During one of these pauses, he had taken a little longer to return to the activity, catching my eye, and then it was all over. The veil of ignorance, or stupidity, either or, I couldn't tell which, washed away like slime on concrete, from a new down pour of rain._

_What was I doing?_

_I'm making out with __**Batman!**_

_**Bat**__**man!**_

_Out of self defense, I lurched back, and whatever sanity I had left surged back up from the spell that had been keeping it under control for the past few blasted minutes. The minutes I'll never get back._

"You're out of your mind!"

The Joker accused, flustered and taken off guard, "Absolutely looney, my dear old friend!" The frazzled villain had leapt about two feet away, landing in a defensive stance, ready to bolt or attack, depending on what happened next.

His nemesis sighed heavily in exasperation, shaking his head in disapproval, "Why are you denying everything that is obvious?"

His gruff voice was a rare sound to hear, and the Joker grimaced in disdain, continuing to back away in the cave "You've must been eating weird food, no more sushi for you," The villain tisked, eyes dancing around the cavern, "They disagree with you're mental functions."

"Jack," The block-head murmured.

The Joker felt a creepy feeling shiver up his back, he didn't like the sound of his old, boring name. "Lalala, I can't hear you.""Jack, calm down." The block-head began to follow, slowly making his way toward Joker. "LALALA, I **still** can't hear you!" Joker turned around, climbing up the side of the cave wall. He found a good grip on the rocky wall, just above his head, and he pulled himself up with ease, climbing up onto a cleft. The Joker craned his head to look back, and with a thrill of dismay, saw the block-head nearly right behind him.

"I'm a married man, you know," The Joker snapped, "Well, not really, but think of how Harley would react."

"She will understand," Batman murmured, unmoved, "Now please come down here, you're being ridiculous." The Joker laughed, "_**Me**_?" He shook his head, glancing up, estimating how further he could go with out getting stuck. Batman groaned, snagging a hold of the back of the Joker's suit, and yanked him down. The villain yelped in protest as he was grabbed up and deposited back on the cave's floor, and marched to the center of the base.

The Joker stood rigid and uncomfortable as he stared distrustfully at his nemesis, while the block-head walked around him to his computer. The Joker couldn't even remember what he had been doing before Batman got all sappy and kissy kissy on him, and the villain didn't feel relaxed enough to continue whatever activity that had been.

Absent mindedly, the Joker wondered what Batman had been talking about while he had zoned out, during the time while he had been trying to register Batman's confessions. However, Joker didn't dwell much on the memory, though, feeling a curl in his gut as he pushed it out of his brain. It was unsanitary and unthinkable to even consider the alternative reasons why he and Batman endured such a long, twisted relationship as Villain and Hero, and honestly, why _**love **_of all things? Batman was certainly not an eye catching specimen, in all bluntness, and who knew what the weirdo was like beneath the dorky Halloween mask... cowl thing. An uptight probably middle-aged man with nothing else better to do then sit around and be a big block-head.

Joker snorted, bursting into a few nervous giggles.

"You liked the kiss though." Batman remarked after a moment or two, glancing over his shoulder slightly to eye the Joker with a curious look. Ew. Joker shook his head indignantly, peeling his grin back into a disdainful sneer. "No I did not you idiot." He snapped at his old enemy; Batman tried to further his point, beginning with something along the lines like, "I could tell," blah blah blah, "You kissed back," Blah blah blah, but Joker put his hands over his ears, "Loolooloo, I can't hear a thing! Nope, nothing at all."

Batman sighed in exasperation. Honestly. "I don't know why you're reacting this way." Batman commented, and making a movement with his shoulders and neck, as if in a shrug. "I've accepted the idea almost a few years ago."

"I told you I'm not listening." Joker reminded Block-head, really the guy was just so dense. "I think i've said so a few times now, pay attention will you? You're getting short term memory loss or something. It's got to be the sushi."

Batmans chest deflated with another long huff of annoyance. "It's bad for your braaain." Joker chimed. Rolling his eyes, Batman turned back to his computer, typing absent mindedly. Type type type typety type type, then Batman seemed to glance over again, at the Joker, who suddenly became defensively self conscious, like he always did whenever Batman started writing psycho notes about their progress thingamajiggy. Every other conversation, they have been sharing in the past few weeks, Batman would write notes after word, either in his computer toys or in those lame note-books that no one uses anymore, with a... Joker didn't know, probably a 'Bat-Pencil' or something or another.

The silence seemed to thicken in the atmosphere like curdling milk, and the Joker squirmed in discomfort from it. Dying to break the unnerving quiet, Joker turned and walked down the metal mesh catwalk, down to the other platforms designated to Joker's free range in the cave. The rushing noise of the river water swirling beneath the Joker sent the usual sensations of 'ooooh I wonder what would happened if I jumped,' but like the first few attempts to escape earlier in the month, Batman would over dramatically swoop down and rescue him from the rapids below. Stupid block-head. "What was I doing again? Oh yes," The Joker headed down from the central suspension plat form to the south west wall of the cave, where Batman had set up his little living corner some weeks before. "Filling out the taxes," Joker added with a loud, abrupt laugh.

The Joker had been doing a mental excercise, kind of like, Arkham homework. You know, for crazy people.

The Joker had been half way done doodling on the side of the paper when Batman had called him over to talk, which was when the Block-head began getting all Madonna on him. Sitting down on his designated bed and casting a wary glance over at Batman, the Joker picked up the clipboard and pen, taking the time to read the excercise through. Not because he cared, mind you, Joker didn't care what the yahoos at Arkham thought was was wrong with him, no no no. Joker wasn't prepared to get any more 'extra attention' from Batman.

* * *

Carol-  
Re-updated again.


End file.
